Broken, but now He can use me

Psalms 147:3 (NIV) He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Recently I have noticed a deep down change in myself; one that isn’t only heard through word, but more importantly through my actions and true desires.  I’m more focused and driven when it comes to God, being about His business and my family.  My true heart’s desire is to live my life in, through and for Christ.  To be all that He has called me to be; that my life may be a living sacrifice for His glory and kingdom. 

Looking back over the past I can remember times of heartache, shame and true disappointment.  Times when I felt like my life and efforts were in vain and times when, quite honestly, I turned my back on God.  I reached out to no one, let alone God, and fell to what I thought was a hopeless and bottomless pit.  I felt defeated and broken.  Over the years I have come to realize that sometimes this is what God requires of us…to be broken. 

Sometimes we work at being what we think we should be or how the world says we should be.  We attempt to shape ourselves into what we see as good and moral, at least on the surface.  We do this or that because we think it’s the right thing to do or because we think it will please someone else instead of trying to please the one who really matters. Other times we are just so beat down by life and stress and we seem to have no control over the people and things that strive to bring us down.  Sometimes we reach this point more than once in our life time.

Psalm 34:18 (ESV) The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

No matter what it is at some time we can reach a point where we are so overwhelmed we feel broken; like we can't do, say or feel anything anymore.  This is when God can really step in and restore you to what He sees you as being.  It's at this point that we begin to realize that we alone can do nothing to fix or change ourselves or our situations, but instead we must turn to the one who created us.

I can remember the exact moment when I felt this…when I was broken, ashamed and felt like I was dying on the inside.  It was mother's day and it was just me and three of my babies some years ago. We were spending time together at home baking cookies, coloring and just having fun together.  They made me some beautiful homemade cards and I felt wrapped in their love, but at the same time lost and rejected.  This was a time when my marriage was suffering because of worldly choices and I could do nothing to change it. 

Sitting there, alone with my children I began to feel overwhelmed with sadness so I stepped away to the bathroom.  I began to cry uncontrollably, so I hopped in the shower to try and hide my face and tears with the steam; I didn't want my babies to see me like this.  I fell to the shower floor in complete surrender…crying out to God telling Him that I cannot do this on my own anymore.  That I needed Him to pick me up and hold me; to carry me through this tough time in my life. 

Now, I wish I could tell you there was this wonderful change in my circumstances right then and there…but, the truth of the matter is there wasn't.  From that point on there have been many uphill battles; some much steeper than others.  However, it was then that my heart began to change.  I realized that I didn't have to do this on my own and that I can lean on and trust God to get me through. 

Some days were surly harder than others, but because I surrendered myself to Him; He gave me faith that I would overcome.  Some things I have already overcome and with each new day He blesses me with a new found hope and joy.  Daily He changes and transforms my heart as well as those around me.  He has begun to restore things I thought could never be right again and it shows not only in me but, my kids and my husband too.  God is really restoring me to what He created me to be and because I am allowing Him to do this, everything around me is being changed and restored too. 

Psalm 103:4-5 (NIV) ⁴ who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, ⁵ who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

If God is for us, who can stand against us?

Genesis 50:20 (NIV) ²⁰ You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.

Some days it feels like the world and the people in it are trying to strip you of everything you have and everything you have worked hard for.  There are times it seems that others have all the control; even with things in our own lives.  You can do all that you think you're supposed to, treat people the way you want to be treated and give of yourself as much as you can. Yet it still seems like things just aren't working out for you or at least not the way you planned them to.

Genesis 50:20 speaks on Joseph; his brothers plotted to kill him, but instead out of guilt sold him into slavery. As a result he was accused of things he didn't do and imprisoned, but it didn’t end there. Joseph had great faith and never took his eyes or focus off of his Heavenly Father.  Through his own brothers' treachery and deceit he became a Prime Minister who was highly favored, loved and greatly prospered. He became a ruler of many and so much was given to him by God. Many lives were saved because of his unwavering faith and belief in God. 

           

This verse can speak volumes to all our lives too.  There are many things our enemies do in an attempt to harm us; to destroy us and see us fall, but through our trust and faith in God it can all turn out for the good.  As a result of our steadfastness and focus on God many people can see us going through something and want to know how we made it through.  Our struggle and victory through Christ, while transforming us for God's kingdom, can also turn someone else's life around. 

Romans 8:28 (NLT) ²⁸ And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

This scripture tells us that no matter what happens, no matter what the enemy does, if we keep our eyes focused on God, He will bring us out in victory.  Trust me when I tell you this is not always easy.  I know that through our human eyes sometimes it can look like the enemy is winning and everything is turning out for their good…and sometimes even at our expense.  This can be so frustrating and disheartening that it causes us to give up hope, stumble and sometimes even fall, but take heart because God is always working on our behalf.  Often times He is working in ways we may not see with the human eye, but He is not like man and is faithful and true to His word!

It doesn't matter what people do or what this world throws at you, through Christ it is always defeated.  When we truly love God and have a desire and intent to follow His will there is nothing the enemy can do to sabotage or destroy it, so we can't give up and we can't loose faith.  We must stay steadfast in the Lord because if our God is for us than who can be against us!!

Getting Stuck on the Negative

 Philippians 4:8 (NKJV) ⁸ Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.

The other day my husband and I were talking and we realized that sometimes we can get caught up in our current situations which causes us to forget how truly blessed we really are.  Whether it's something we have prayed for and haven't received yet, someone who has wronged us or just simple things aren't working out as we think they should.  This can cause us to get in a rut and focus on everything that is wrong instead of focusing on what is right, we count our heartaches instead of our blessings. 

I know that I am personally guilty of this from time to time; there are certain things that I have prayed about for a very long time.  Some things seem so heartbreaking and unfair or I've made the wrong choices and my thoughts become fixed on all the wrongs and hurts that come along with them.  Before I know it I am whining, complaining and even bickering with others because I’ve taken my focus off of God and onto my problems.

Now don't get me wrong, I know God knows that we are human and there will be days that are tougher than others.  Some things will hurt more than others and it will some times break us down, but we can't become stuck on these things.  Even in the midst of the pain, sorrow and tough times God blesses us each and every day.  When we become focused on the bad or unpleasant things in our lives, this gives the enemy a chance to get a foothold in our hearts and minds. We can soon become obsessed with all the wrong and find ourselves in a rut, not praising God and walking out His plan for our lives.

This is also where we become down on ourselves, thinking and feeling like we aren't worth much; which goes against everything God has told us.  From this we can fall away from God, losing sight of His promises and purpose for our lives.  However, we don’t have to be controlled by our thoughts or current situations; instead we can bring the focus back to God. It’s not always easy, but like anything that is worth something it is necessary and can be done.  

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (NKJV) ¹⁶ Rejoice always, ¹⁷ pray without ceasing, ¹⁸ in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

We have to learn to refocus our thoughts, thinking and meditating on the things of God.  Remembering His love for us and all the things that He has blessed us with; knowing that even at our hardest times things could still be worse.  I do realize that this can be difficult.  At times our minds are clouded and can't we see straight, but we have to bring it all back to Him.  I find that sometimes it helps to step away for a moment and pray, telling God that I can't do this on my own. That the painful thoughts and heart aching times are overwhelming me and I need Him to step in to free my mind and restore my peace.  It doesn't always stick over night either, so we have to keep bringing it back to God and keep asking for His help.  As time goes on and our faith in Him grows and we will become more and more focused on Him.

Stepping Out On Faith

My husband and I went to church last night and we heard a sermon that touched us both.  She preached from Genesis 12: 1-5, and it talks about when God told Abram to leave his country and his father's house and head to Haran; a land that God was going to give to Abram.  Out of obedience Abram packed up his wife all of their possessions, Lot (his nephew) and his wife, all of their possession and their people.  Abram didn't question God but, instead stepped out on his faith and set out for a new adventure in Christ. 

What happens next is what seems to stifle, confuse and turn so many of us back.  After setting out with his family and all of their possessions, they shortly walked into a famine.  Now, what in the world was he supposed to do?  He was responsible for many people, they believed in his faith in God and now they are hungry and with little land to go around. This is where our faith really begins…Abram didn't give up; he didn't return home to what was familiar to him; instead he pressed on in Jesus name!  Because of his faith and obedience to God Abram was blessed beyond what he could have ever imagined; in fact, we to this day are blessed because of how Abram listened to God.  We can’t put God on a time limit, sometimes we have to endure some things before our blessings come to pass!

To know me is to know that I have a very hard time being social; me and a friend of mine have named ourselves socially awkward.  I seem to have such a hard time striking up everyday conversation or consoling someone unless I am around them on a regular basis.  Not because I'm not compassionate or don't want to, but because it's just hard for me.  I feel silly or maybe even worried that someone will think I sound stupid or simple.  So often times I will say something small and then just get a little quiet; until late in the year last year when God called me to step out on my faith. 

One day in church God gave me the idea to start a women's group.  A small group that would come together to Praise and worship Him, that would testify of His goodness as well as grow spiritually in Him and with each other.  He told me that this group would not just affect the few women that He named for me to put in the group, but that it would flow into our homes and touch our families.  He said that we would touch other women because of our faith in Him.  This was really a hard thing for me to do and looking back on it now, I realize that He blessed me by starting it off as a small group with women that I was pretty familiar with or close to. (Thank you Father).  This group consisted of an old friend, two new ones from work, my step children's mother and me.    We had our first and only meeting back in September and I can't even begin to tell you how good I felt after that meeting.  I was on a high that was straight from God, all the women were excited to see what God was going to do in us, through us and for His kingdom.

Then my family's life got turned upside down; my step son became terminally ill, relationships were lost and I allowed God's plan to fall by the wayside.  I couldn't understand what God was allowing to happen; I knew I had heard Him clearly and this was what He wanted me to do….so why would He allow such horrible things to happen?!?  I realize that these things may not have been directed at any one of us in particular, but they are things that occurred and affected the group.  My faith became shaken and I allowed other things to take over and I fell back into what was familiar and comfortable to me.  This was wrong, especially at a time when two of us could have really used the spiritual coming together of the group to help us get through this horrific time.

Here and there some of us would talk about starting the group up again and meeting, but nothing had been set in motion.  I realize this is my responsibility because it was something that God came to me with.  Now because of the sermon I heard last night and how it has renewed my faith and trust in God I will step back out on my faith and begin again. I am blessed because most of the women are still willing and wanting to rebuild what we started back in September. I’m praying that God will guide my every step because I know and trust that He cannot lie; I know we will all be richly blessed because of it.

Matthew 17:20 (NLT) ²⁰ “You don’t have enough faith,” Jesus told them. “I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it would move. Nothing would be impossible.”

Beautiful Woman in My Life

In honor of National Woman's day I thought I would talk about some of the women who have been blessing to my life, but this certainly does not cover all of them.

I'll start with my mother, Mary.  I love my mother so dearly; she is a beautiful woman both inside and out.  She is strong, independent and loving and has always been there for me no matter what.  She was the first person to teach me the true importance of forgiveness and it has honestly been one of the most important lessons of my life.  Through her ability to forgive in a situation that most women would not have been able to has taught me to do the same and I know that my children benefit from it. 

Two more women I hold very dear to me are Sue and Tina, I am honored to have them in my life and call them my spiritual sisters.  Through the last couple of years we have studied the word together, prayed together, held each other accountable and lifted each other up. Some days I would say that Sue knows me better than I know myself.  I know that it was God who placed these two awesome women in my life to help me get through some of the roughest times in my adult life.  I have truly learned so much from both of these women and for that I am ever grateful and pray that I have been the same for them. 

I have many beautiful Aunts who have left wonderful foot prints on my heart, but today I'm going to talk about two of them.  When I was born my parents picked my Aunt Avery to be my God mother; I have such fond memories of spending nights at her house and feeling surrounded by love every time she was around.  My Aunt Jackie has been there for me through one of the roughest times in my life and I know that is only by the grace of God.  Living far away from family, she just happened to live close enough that I was able to retreat to her home during one of the darkest times in my life.  She allowed God to use her; she embraced me, did not judge me and imparted to me a deep spiritual blessing that renewed my strength and faith in God.  Words can not even express what that means to me.

While still pretty young my husband and I moved away from home and once he joined the military we moved again, even further away from home.  I haven't always been the most social of people, I find it hard to meet new people sometimes and build new friendships…so on that side of things it could get a little lonely.  Over the last year or so God has sent two beautiful women into my life.  Victoria is a young beautiful woman seeking to put God as the head of her life.  There have been days when she would come to me needing prayer or spiritual advice and while she thought I was helping her, she was truly blessing me.  God showed me many things through her to include the fact that I have grown in Him.  Quar-an has shown me spiritual strength in the face of adversity and pain and has prayed with and for me when I couldn’t do it for myself.  She has helped me to realize that I am stronger than I thought I was. 

Now I'm going to talk about my oldest daughter, Sade'.  She is surely not a woman yet, but is growing into the most beautiful, spirit filled young lady a mother could ever ask for.  Some days she is my rock and inspiration to make it through when I feel like I can't.  Through her God has shown me that I am doing a good job at showing my kids that God comes first.  She is faithful in prayer and without realizing it shows me how important my role, not only as a mother, but as a Christian really is. I feel honored that God has allowed me to be her mother for our brief time here on earth. 

            I am so very thankful to God for the part that all of these women, plus more, who have helped me to grow, see myself for who I am and to learn to put God first in all I do.

Walking in Righteousness Through Faith

Sometimes I think that when we decide to follow Jesus we feel everything should be peachy and wonderful, but that is not always the case.  Some days I feel like I’m being persecuted on every side; on my job, in everyday life, even sometimes in my own home.  I honestly realize that I am nowhere near perfect; only God is; but I do my best to live my life for Christ.  Even while doing so it seems as though the enemy is attacking me every chance he gets. 

Psalm 34:19 (NKJV) ¹⁹ Many are the afflictions of the righteous, But the Lord delivers him out of them all.

This verse teaches me that even while I am trying to live a righteous life for Christ, that I will experience trials and storms.  That the enemy will not stop attacking me simply because I’ve given my life to God, that in fact because I have given my life to Him the enemy will attack me even more and harder.  This is not an excuse to allow my emotions, feelings of being overwhelmed and persecuted cause me to throw up my hands and give up. The second half of this verse is where I find my hope; But the Lord delivers him out of them all.  If I stay faithful to Him remaining in prayer and allowing Him to direct my path, instead of trying to figure it out on my own or lashing out at those who persecute me, then He will bring me out!   

Jesus was sent to this earth to suffer and die for our sins and He was blameless and without sin. He was persecuted, spat on and punished by those He was trying to save, so why do we not imagine that we should not suffer the same.  Even until the very end as He was hanging on the cross, pierced in His side and with nails in His hands and feet He was living a life righteous for His father on our behalf.  Knowing this should give us motivation to live a life for Him no matter what the enemy throws our way.  Some days may seem like we just can’t make it and everything is against us, but we have to rest in our faith in Jesus and His unfailing love for us. 

Galatians 6:9 (NKJV) ⁹ And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.

I have a purpose in this life and because of that the enemy will continue to attack me and try to make me fall every chance he gets.  Some days seem easier than others, but I need to remember that the right here and right now of my current situations or circumstances is temporary and the Lord always brings us out.  We are always victorious in Christ.  We all have to do our best to stay focused on Him, continue to walk in His light and He will take care of the rest.

Praying

John 16:33 (NKJV) ³³ These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”

If you’ve been reading my blog, you are probably very aware of how important prayer is to me; always has been.  It has gotten me through some of the roughest, loneliest and scariest times in my life.  It has helped to keep me focused and reminded me who is really in control.  One of my biggest blessings of my prayer life is the peace that it brings.  For me, without peace it’s next to impossible to make it through anything.  Now I’m not just talking any kind of peace…the peace I’m referring to can only come from God and can keep you even in the midst of the roughest storms.

There is nothing in or of this world that our Heavenly Father has not experienced, overcome and conquered.  Believing and trusting in that is an important step to receiving that peace that come from Him.  He knows all and sees all and nothing we are going through or experiencing has caught Him by surprise.  Focusing on Christ and staying in consistent daily prayer are two more important steps to keeping God’s peace. 

Matthew 6:9-13 (NKJV) ⁹ In this manner, therefore, pray: Our Father in heaven, Hallowed be Your name. ¹⁰ Your kingdom come. Your will be done On earth as it is in heaven. ¹¹ Give us this day our daily bread. ¹² And forgive us our debts, As we forgive our debtors. ¹³ And do not lead us into temptation, But deliver us from the evil one. For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen.

Praying can be done at any moment of any day through everyday conversation with God.  However, it is also important that we remember who it is that we are praying to and how truly Holy He is.  He is deserving of our undivided time, attention and focus.  Something that someone shared with me some time ago to help me pray a humble and focused prayer is A. C. T. S.

A---àAcknowledgement; humbly come before Him honoring who He is, Praising Him

C---àConfess; with our mouths we must confess our sins to Him and ask for forgiveness

T---àThanksgiving; thank Him for all of His blessings, both seen and unseen

S---àSupplication; Then begin our prayer to Him of the things on our hearts and minds.

            I will be honest and say that I know I probably do not set enough time aside on my knees before the Lord, but after writing this and reading it again I realize I must again start.  I talk to Him often throughout my day, but He is so much more deserving than the fly by prayers that I often offer up to Him.  My prayer today is that we will all learn that throughout our busy days it is so important to set aside sometime to humbly come before the Lord; who blesses and keeps us above anything we deserve. 

You're blessed because Jesus love you! 

I Love You

I think I can speak for most of us when I say that I love to hear the words "I love you", "I appreciate you", and "Thank you". They help us to feel good about ourselves and let us know that we are special, appreciated and what we do is not taken for granted.  Now, don't we think that Jesus would love to hear those words from us??  How often do you tell Him; I love You or thank You? How often do we truly praise Him for who He is?  I would guess that we are more prone to thank Him for His blessings and things He has done for us than we are to tell Him we love Him or to praise Him.

Love is so important to God because He is love. 1 John 4:8 (NIV) 8 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.  I think sometimes we assume that He knows we do because of the way we try to live our lives for Him. Possibly we don't even think about it like we should, but for us to verbally say those words out loud would mean so much more to Him.  The more we profess it with our mouths the more we feel it in our hearts and the more we feel it in our hearts the more our lives change for Christ. 

God lives in and on our Praise and worship of Him; Psalm 22:3 (KJV) 3 But thou art holy, O thou that inhabitest the praises of Israel.  If we are giving Him thanks we are remembering all that He has done for us.  Praising Him is to hold Him at the highest regard; to recognize who He really is.  When we worship Him, He is always close to us and always on our hearts and minds.  This causes us to want to do better; not just for ourselves or those we love, but most importantly for Christ. 

Some times I go into what I like to call a "Thank you fit".  I stop and give thanks to my Heavenly Father for anything I can think of that I know He has blessed me with.  From waking me up that morning to the house I live in to the air that I breathe. I thank Him for sending His only Son to die for my sins, for the blood that was shed that washes me white as snow and for the troubles that I don't even know that He has kept me from.  I thank Him for the love that surrounds me in my family and friends and for His word that lives within me.  The list could go on and on and I would never truly be able to thank Him for all that He has blessed me with.

We truly do take so much in this life for granted, it's so important that God doesn't fall into that list too!  We woke up this morning; that alone should be enough to sing His praises and shout thank You the second we open our eyes. 

You're blessed because Jesus loves you!