Broken, but now He can use me

Psalms 147:3 (NIV) He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Recently I have noticed a deep down change in myself; one that isn’t only heard through word, but more importantly through my actions and true desires.  I’m more focused and driven when it comes to God, being about His business and my family.  My true heart’s desire is to live my life in, through and for Christ.  To be all that He has called me to be; that my life may be a living sacrifice for His glory and kingdom. 

Looking back over the past I can remember times of heartache, shame and true disappointment.  Times when I felt like my life and efforts were in vain and times when, quite honestly, I turned my back on God.  I reached out to no one, let alone God, and fell to what I thought was a hopeless and bottomless pit.  I felt defeated and broken.  Over the years I have come to realize that sometimes this is what God requires of us…to be broken. 

Sometimes we work at being what we think we should be or how the world says we should be.  We attempt to shape ourselves into what we see as good and moral, at least on the surface.  We do this or that because we think it’s the right thing to do or because we think it will please someone else instead of trying to please the one who really matters. Other times we are just so beat down by life and stress and we seem to have no control over the people and things that strive to bring us down.  Sometimes we reach this point more than once in our life time.

Psalm 34:18 (ESV) The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

No matter what it is at some time we can reach a point where we are so overwhelmed we feel broken; like we can't do, say or feel anything anymore.  This is when God can really step in and restore you to what He sees you as being.  It's at this point that we begin to realize that we alone can do nothing to fix or change ourselves or our situations, but instead we must turn to the one who created us.

I can remember the exact moment when I felt this…when I was broken, ashamed and felt like I was dying on the inside.  It was mother's day and it was just me and three of my babies some years ago. We were spending time together at home baking cookies, coloring and just having fun together.  They made me some beautiful homemade cards and I felt wrapped in their love, but at the same time lost and rejected.  This was a time when my marriage was suffering because of worldly choices and I could do nothing to change it. 

Sitting there, alone with my children I began to feel overwhelmed with sadness so I stepped away to the bathroom.  I began to cry uncontrollably, so I hopped in the shower to try and hide my face and tears with the steam; I didn't want my babies to see me like this.  I fell to the shower floor in complete surrender…crying out to God telling Him that I cannot do this on my own anymore.  That I needed Him to pick me up and hold me; to carry me through this tough time in my life. 

Now, I wish I could tell you there was this wonderful change in my circumstances right then and there…but, the truth of the matter is there wasn't.  From that point on there have been many uphill battles; some much steeper than others.  However, it was then that my heart began to change.  I realized that I didn't have to do this on my own and that I can lean on and trust God to get me through. 

Some days were surly harder than others, but because I surrendered myself to Him; He gave me faith that I would overcome.  Some things I have already overcome and with each new day He blesses me with a new found hope and joy.  Daily He changes and transforms my heart as well as those around me.  He has begun to restore things I thought could never be right again and it shows not only in me but, my kids and my husband too.  God is really restoring me to what He created me to be and because I am allowing Him to do this, everything around me is being changed and restored too. 

Psalm 103:4-5 (NIV) ⁴ who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, ⁵ who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.