The Battle within Myself

While I know this sounds a bit contradictory to some of my earlier blogs; lately I the have been having a serious mind battle.  The enemy seems to be working on many things that he knows hurts my heart, tortures and confuses my mind and even angers me at times.  It feels like he's gnawing away at me by bringing up things about my having low self-esteem, to being upset about not seeing my step children to struggling with knowing what I heard from God.  Things that I've dealt with before, but now seem to be resurfacing. I guess he's just busy at his job; I mean God has done some wonderful things to the hearts and minds of my family members and he's none too pleased about it.  So he has to do what he can to attempt stop the forward Godly motion. 

For a couple of weeks now I've been feeling a bit down on myself.  Feeling a little insecure about the way I look and my abilities, having a hard time stepping out into all that God has called me to and feeling like I'm not handling some of life's issues as I should.  Now I realize that some of this is probably superficial and I need to just get over it, and with prayer I will, but sometimes things float through your mind and make it harder to let it go.  I know the spiritual gifts that He has blessed me with, but often times feel so incapable of walking in them.  I don't believe in myself, which if I'm being totally honest, would truly mean that I'm not trusting in Him enough.  If He said it, then it is…so what right do I have to not believe?

Sometimes I have a very difficult time when people ask me how my step son is doing.  I struggle with a few different emotions that I know are not okay to just blurt out; so instead I say that he's hanging in there with some good and bad days and I know God is holding him.  It would seem that some think that because he is not of my flesh that I can't possibly feel the pain that his father and mother feel.  For a good while I would try to argue with them; telling them why I do or how I love the twins just as much as I do the three that I gave birth to.  I was blessed to help raise them, being a part of their life since birth.  That's not something you can just let go of or turn your back on, but God knows my heart and I'm learning to allow that to be enough.  

Next comes in the guilt for even feeling these horrible things; self condemnation is something I really struggle with.  I'm working on it and with prayer I am getting better.   I have this guilt because I know I have much to be thankful for.  He didn't have to bless me with the gifts that He did, but He did because He loves me and has a purpose for me.  He blessed me with being a part of the twin's life…and oh how they have blessed me!  I can't even begin to thank Him enough for that!! 

I am learning that while I may not like all that is going on around me or even within me; God is in control and He really does have a purpose and plan for everything that is going on.  And while I have some bad days, I'm coming to a better place with it all.  I can rejoice in knowing that through it all and in the end, as a child of God, everything will be ok.  He's teaching me that while I may not always be happy, I still have His joy.  Something that only He can give me and no one else can ever take away…not even my own mind when it goes on its tangents.   

Something else I am also learning is that when I take the focus off of myself and onto others the battle is lifted.  He heals me through helping and praying for others and the spells of hurt and confusion become shorter and shorter.  God really has blessed, cared for and carried me through so much in my life…He deserves better than for me to wallow in self pity.

Galatians 5:22-23 (NLT) ²² But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!

A Personal Relationship

Galatians 5:24-25 (NRSV) ²⁴ And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. ²⁵ If we live by the Spirit, let us also be guided by the Spirit.

This world is daily becoming a very scary place; a place of death, deception and out right treachery!  Every time we turn around there has been another shooting or bombing…even our children's schools are under attack.  It seems that no place is truly safe anymore.  Knowing Christ should already be our first priority, but with all that is going on it makes it even more of urgency to truly KNOW Him.  We truly never know what will happen from one moment to the next. 

It's one thing to say we know God, but a completely different thing to say that we have a true personal relationship with Him; to be intimate with Him and to be sensitive to His leading for our life.  Knowing God is much more than occasionally reading the bible or saying a fly by prayer.  It requires more than saying thank you when something good happens or Jesus help me when something bad happens. 

If we can strive to nourish our personal relationship here on earth then why not give God that same effort?  I mean we take the time to get to know family, friends and significant others by spending time with them, listening to them and learning their likes and dislikes…so why not God?  It’s important to us because we want that person to know that we love them, that we care about their wants and needs and it brings us closer to them.  It's even more important to have that with God. 

John 1:10-13 (NLT) ¹⁰ He came into the very world he created, but the world didn’t recognize him. ¹¹ He came to his own people, and even they rejected him. ¹² But to all who believed him and accepted him, he gave the right to become children of God. ¹³ They are reborn—not with a physical birth resulting from human passion or plan, but a birth that comes from God.

Having our own personal relationship with God can't be achieved by expecting others to always be praying for or over us either.  Sure it's a blessing to have someone always standing in the gap for you, but they can't give your testimony for you.  They can't know God for you.  When God speaks to you, He speaks to you…not always to someone else for you and if you're not close to Him, if you're not listening then it will pass you by. 

I will admit that in the past, and even sometimes today, I've gone to church hoping that God will say something to the pastor and they'll just know what I need and say a prayer over me.  I've talked to friends hoping they will have the magic word to get me through something or to make me feel closer to God…or even to help build my desire to study His word more.  Over time I'm realizing that while it's wonderful to have people pray for me or to have an encouraging word to get me through…there is nothing that can compare to knowing my God for myself! 

I've learned it takes time even when I THINK I don't have time, obedience even when I don't feel like it and sometimes even silence instead of talking my way through.  Praying and meditating on God's word asking Him to remove anything from me that is not pleasing to Him and replacing it with a desire to want to know Him more. I've learned to praise Him in good times and bad and even while riding through the storm. This shows Him that I long to be faithful and because of this He abides in me. The more I read, study and pray to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit the closer I feel to God.  I truly can't explain what it has meant to my life to have my own personal intimate relationship with my Savior; it's humbling, uplifting and truly is exciting!  Even in the midst of my pain and trials…even when I can't see the end I can still rejoice because I know I have the victory through Christ.

Acts 17:27 (NIV) ²⁷ God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us.

When we are close to God we are more inclined to make the right choices for our lives and that of our loved ones.  Being close to God means His hedge of protection is all around us and He will guide our every step.  Our desires begin to change and we not only want God for ourselves, but we want others to know Him and we do our best to speak to them on His behalf.  You begin to feel an urgency for others to be saved and overjoyed when they are blessed and have turned their lives over to Him. 

It's a terrifying thing to know how crazy this world is and to think that we may know someone dear, someone close to us that does not know God the way that they should.  It is my prayer that instead of me people see Christ.  That somehow through my life, my trials and pains that they will want to know Him for themselves. 

Compassion

Addictions to substances are true sicknesses and demonic strongholds. I mean...think about it, do you really think some one wants to be strung out, needing that next high or stuck on something that could potentially be killing them or destroying the lives of loved ones??  Do you think they want to loose their family, not be able to pay bills or hurt the ones that they love?  I would have to say that next to no one would choose to be addicted to anything or choose to live such a lifestyle.

Instead of people seeing it as sicknesses or stronghold we sometimes look at it as if they are choosing to live this type of life and often times judge them accordingly.  Of course I know that everything we do is a choice, and it's our choice. However, we all make mistakes based off of our choices that can be the beginning of a slippery slope to an addiction that we have no clue how to get freed from.

I'm not going to pretend like I have some magic fix for those addicted to anything, but I do know that we as Christians are called to be compassionate to all of God's people.  Their sin is no different than ours, we just might be better at hiding ours.  Their sin makes us turn up our noses because we couldn't think of doing such a thing, but I bet if that person found their way into our closet there would be something in there that they wouldn't dream of doing either.  We are all different, but all the same.  We certainly know the pain of being judged, ridiculed and casted out...so why is it so hard to see when we place that same torture on someone else?

Throughout my life I have seen first hand substance addictions of very close loved ones and it's a horrible thing to watch someone go through, not to mention to go through it with them. I found myself angry, resentful and even close to being bitter.  At times I've even felt helpless because I could not, myself, will them out of this pit of despair.   To see them loosing their focus on what is really important or to see them acting in ways that they normally wouldn't act. To see them slowly killing themselves from the inside out is sometimes more than I can bear!  It strains relationships, hurts family members, destroys lives and slowly stripes that person of all God truly created them to be. Yet, sometimes we still judge them.  Why don't they just stop?  Why can't they see how bad this is hurting them and me?  At the very least, why won't they just get some help? 

2 Corinthians 10:3-5 (NLT) ³ We are human, but we don’t wage war as humans do. ⁴ We use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments. ⁵ We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ.

My point to all of this is that we must remember to remain compassionate, loving and always in prayer for these family members, friends, etc.  Don't pass judgment, instead love and pray for them without ceasing and with a sincere heart. I realize that because of circumstances that sometimes surround the addictions; such as how it may be affecting you and your family, this may still be a very difficult thing to deal with.  It may be causing hard times for your family and you hurt to see any children who may be affected by the addiction hurting too.  

I also realize that sometimes situations become dangerous and even harmful so it may mean that some distance needs to be put between you and the person addicted, but we somehow have to remember that they are hurting too. This may require us to pray and ask God to heal our heart of the pain and anger that has been caused as a result.  It will also be helpful for us to pray to God to create in us a heart of compassion for this person/s; to know that they are not the addiction they are experiencing right now.  God created them to be so much more and we must lift them up to the Lord, the only one who can truly restore them. 

1 Peter 3:8 (NLT) ⁸ Finally, all of you should be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters. Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude.

God's Comfort

Philippians 4:7 (NLT) ⁷ Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

This morning, while getting ready for work, my younger two alerted me to the fact that my oldest was crying.  As soon as they told me, in my heart, I already knew what she was crying about, but just wasn't sure of the details.  So I opened the door to find her crying to the point of having trouble breathing.  I sat on her bed beside her and asked her what was wrong.  At first she didn't want to talk about it, so I just sat there rubbing her back until she was ready.  She finally sat up and said that she had a dream. 

In her dream she was sitting in her room and suddenly her door opened and it was Richard.  He came running into the room, hugged her and told her he was all better.  She said "Mom, I was so happy and it felt so good!  It was so real, it felt so real….then I woke up and realized that it was just a dream."  So at this point, I'm praying in my head that God would bless me with the right words to comfort my daughter.  I begun by saying that I know sometimes these sound like mere words of no help or comfort, but God sees things that we can't.  He really does no what is best even when it doesn't seem fair or even close to being right to us. 

Then I remembered what my husband told me about a time when he saw Richard, when God gave him some peace.  When he got there his mother answered the door and Richard was squirming on the couch, so she asked him what he was doing.  He replied I want my daddy, I want my daddy.  Brian said while it hurt to see his son's physical condition the way that it was, it brought him joy to know that his boy was still in there.  He thought to himself, the enemy can do whatever he wants to the physical but his spirit is still there.  God is holding his spirit and that is the most important thing.  Her brother's fiery, loving and fun self is still there no matter how hard the enemy tries to mask it.

2 Thessalonians 3:5 (NLT) ⁵ May the Lord lead your hearts into a full understanding and expression of the love of God and the patient endurance that comes from Christ.

I reminded her that no one is in control, but God and we can pray that He helps to give us peace in that.  She calmed down and seemed to take some comfort in my words or more importantly God's words.  I gave her a hug and told her I loved her as I left her room.  You know…I really have a peace about my talk with my daughter.  This time in our lives is truly one of the hardest things we have ever had to deal with, but knowing that God is the head of our lives and that He is in control somehow just makes it better. 

I feel extremely blessed to have a God that loves my children so much that He comforts them at their weakest times.  Blessed to have been allowed to be their mother and that they see and know Him through me.  I truly don't take this lightly and pray that I am always who and what they need in a mother.  I pray that God will guide my every step and help me guide them to live a life for Him. To help them understand that no matter what they are going through He is always there for them and loves them better than they ever could themselves.

Faithfulness

My husband and I were both brought up in the church; I would probably say him even more so than me, but we were definitely taught about God and knew much about Him.  Throughout our lives and growing up we fell from God or at least surely didn't place Him first like we knew we were supposed to.  We'd come back only to fall away again and so on and so forth. 

Throughout my most of adult life my faith and belief in God has been pretty strong.  Now there have certainly been times of ups and downs; times when I fell from Him or maybe better put turned my back on Him, but He's always weighed pretty heavily on my mind.  Over the last four years or so I would say that my faith, obedience and trust in Him have grown.  For most of those years it's been me seeking Christ for our marriage, our children and our lives instead of my husband and I as a unit. 

Through these years I have prayed diligently for my husband, my family and my faith.  God has taught me that patience, obedience and trust in Him will get me…us through anything that comes our way.  There have been some really hard and trying times, but He never left me and with each trial we came through and sometimes even stronger than when we went in. Because of His faithfulness to me and my family I have seen some prayers that I thought were hopeless answered and I have seen some things come to pass even better than I could have ever imagined them myself.  I am close to Him and He is close to me. 

Hebrews 11:1 (NLT) 1 Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.

One of those prayers was for my husband to return to God and place Him at the forefront of His life; therefore being at the front of ours with unity in Christ. Some days I would see some light and others I felt like God wasn't listening because it wasn't happening right now or the way I wanted it to.  Some days the wedge between us, him and God felt so long and so wide that nothing could restore it, but my God is a faithful God!  I never allowed myself to give up or give in and I never lost all hope!

Over the last month or two my husband has had such a transformation in heart and a fire that burns inside him for Christ that it's not only amazing, but beautiful!  He's hungry for His word and wants to be filled with His Spirit.  It makes me reach back to something my granny used to say all the time….my cup runneth over.  I'm overjoyed and blessed beyond words.  I can honestly say that I have been close to God, but because my husband is coming back to Him and stepping into his place in God's kingdom I feel closer to Him than I ever have before!! Not only am I joined together as one with my husband, but we are joined together in and for Christ. 

God knew what was needed to bring him back to Him and He knew just what he needed to go through to make his testimony as powerful as it's going to be.  For that, even when I couldn't understand, I am grateful for God being God! His time, His will and His way are my sincere prayers for my husband, children and me.  We still have a ways to go, but we surely aren't what we used to be and through God we will continue to grow and reach out to as many people on His behalf as we can.

Psalm 115:1 (NIV) ¹ Not to us, Lord, not to us but to your name be the glory, because of your love and faithfulness.

Family Growth 4

My oldest daughter has decided she wanted to take over on the next step to our family growth.  She has decided that since her farther and I are going to start bible study at church on Thursday nights, that she would also have bible study lessons with her younger siblings on those same nights.  She also wants to alternate the nights she does it every couple weeks to include me and Brian, which I thought was a great idea. She thought some days she would elaborate on what they read in their daily devotional and also other things that speak to her heart and want them to benefit from too. 

I can't even begin to tell you how this makes me feel!  I am so proud of her and even more grateful to God for blessing her the way He has.  Sometimes as a parent I worry that my children may feel I'm forcing God down their throats to the point that they will turn from Him or even worse resent Him, but nothing could be further from the truth.  They love Him and grow to love and honor Him more and more as time goes by.  When they pray they understand that it's not just about asking God for this or that, but they understand the need for selflessness and praying for others and their needs. 

The prayer board is still thriving and daddy has started to add things to the board too, this the kids love.  Most weeks by the second or third day the board is full.  It amazes me sometimes the things they put up there.  The thoughtfulness and sincerity is just so heartwarming and we love when we can see a prayer being answered and thank God together for His blessings.  Some days I think I learn more from my children than they could possibly be learning from me. 

I have to admit that from time to time my younger two forget to read their daily devotional in the mornings, but read them instead when they come home from school.  Sometimes they have questions and I enjoy hearing their take on what they have read.  Most times they understand, but every once in awhile I'll have to explain it a little simpler for them.

Praying individually with them is teaching me more and more about my babies.  It helps me see what's on their little minds on a daily basis and what they hold dear and important to their hearts. It also shows me how God is speaking to them. They have even asked me what they can pray with me about.  Now that, I don't need to tell you, has brought me to tears. 

Sitting back and seeing how God is working in the life of my family is beyond what mere words could ever explain.  My family has been through some things.  Things that should have torn us apart, separated and even destroyed us, but my God saw different for us.  I have back slid and there have been times where I felt it all hopeless, but I could never stay away from Him for too long.  He has been too good to me not to praise Him and serve Him with my life. My family and I are living witnesses to His grace, mercy and unfailing loving kindness. 

Giving our best for our children

2 Timothy 3:14-15 (NLT) ¹⁴ But you must remain faithful to the things you have been taught. You know they are true, for you know you can trust those who taught you. ¹⁵ You have been taught the Holy Scriptures from childhood, and they have given you the wisdom to receive the salvation that comes by trusting in Christ Jesus.

Sadly, sometimes our mistakes can follow us and often times fall down to our children… actually, they can fall from generation to generation.  Often times while going through life we make instant choices or decision not taking the time to see how they may or may not affect those around us, even our own children.  We go by emotions, what feels good at the time and sometimes just out of pure selfishness.  Also mixed in with that are honest mistakes because sometimes we didn't take the time to pray and ask God for guidance or at the very least think things through. 

After the mistakes are made we then look back and wonder how we allowed such things to happen or why did we not do things better.  Now I am surely not saying that we shouldn’t or won't make mistakes because I know we all will; we're human.  However, if we took the time to pray and seek God's will over our own then they would be less and less. 

Looking back over our past, I've become very aware of changes that need to be made and I have started with the things that I can control.  Because I don't want our children to have to suffer from our mistakes, so much of what I do now is for them; how I conduct myself, the way I talk, the choices I make and the things I shield them from.  I realize there are some mistakes we, as their parents, have made and I desperately want to save them from those same mistakes.  These choices have followed us and some to this day affect us and sometimes them as well.  It is my heart’s desire that we can change the course of some of these or at the very least begin to alter them.

Deuteronomy 11:18-21 (NLT) ¹⁸ “So commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these words of mine. Tie them to your hands and wear them on your forehead as reminders. ¹⁹ Teach them to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up. ²⁰ Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates, ²¹ so that as long as the sky remains above the earth, you and your children may flourish in the land the Lord swore to give your ancestors.

However, I am aware that we are not perfect and we can not change everything; but I also know that in order to create that change or to help start a better life for our children that it has to start somewhere.  I believe the best way to do this is to teach them about God, how to live for Him and how important it is to put Him first in their lives.  I openly and with intent try to show them that I am doing my best to put God first in our lives.  I talk to them about Him and encourage them to talk to Him on their own.  I pray daily that they will develop their own personal relationship with Him so that they will be spiritually open to His guidance instead of that of their own.

There are days, while talking to my children, I can see that God is blessing me with this because of the things they say and do.  They become more and more aware of the importance of Him; knowing about Him and thanking Him.  Just yesterday my son added to the prayer board a prayer that God will help him to understand more when he goes to church and after Sunday's service my daughter said how powerful the message was.  My oldest is very diligent in prayer and comes to me often with prayers for her and her friends.  I'm so thankful to God for opening my eyes to this and for helping me see new ideas and ways to show my children of His greatness. 

Isaiah 54:13 (NIV) ¹³ All your children will be taught by the Lord, and great will be their peace.

We don't have to go through it alone

Isaiah 41:10 (NLT) ¹⁰ Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.

We go through spiritual trials, heartache and pain for many reasons; two of which are for our own personal growth and also to help others who may be going through a similar trial with our testimony.  However, often times we go through these things in silence, with desperation and sometimes even shame.  We are too afraid to let anyone know what is going on in our lives or too prideful to admit it; so we suffer in silence and often times not even knowing how to reach out to God.  Whether it's our own personal struggle, a family issue or some bad choice we have made that has put us on the wrong path; we tend to feel like we have to go through it alone.

It's ok to reach out to people; God did not place us here to always go through things alone.  He has placed people in our lives that truly care for us, people that will pray with and for us if we would just let them know we need it.  However, on the flip side it's not ok to share our issues with any and everyone.  Some people just love drama and being in the middle of other people's business. They have no Godly advice and surely don't have your best interests at heart.  They will tell you to do this or that out of emotion and without thought. The people I'm talking about are the ones who will pray with us and seeks God's counsel for our circumstances and situations. Trust me though; I know all too well how hard this can be.   

In the past this has been a very serious issue for me; I kept silent on many things for many years and it dug me into a hole of depression, shame and fear. I am guilty of being too prideful or afraid to reach out; so instead I suffered alone and it truly took its toll on me.  Sometimes I didn't reach out because the pain was too great or because I was embarrassed. Other times because of pride and I felt like I should be able to handle it on my own.  It took me a very long time to realize that I didn't have to go through it all alone; that God was there for me no matter what and that He loved me so much that He would sometimes place people in my life to help carry me through these tough times. 

Sometimes we know who we can talk to and other times we don't.  When we know of Godly people we need to pray that God will help us reach out to them.  When we are unsure of whom we can talk to then we can pray that He will send us spiritually guided people to pray with and for us.  Our circumstances do not determine who we are and should not cause us so much shame that we feel alone.  I can pretty much guarantee you that there is someone close to you that has gone through something similar to what you're going through. They are now a living witness that you can come out of your situation; that you're not alone and God sent them to help you through.

Once we build up that strength to first and for most reach out to God and then to those spiritual people that He blesses us with, we can then begin to heal and make it through.  What's even better; after, and even while, making it through we can be a blessing to someone else.  Our struggle can soon be our testimony for someone else.  Through you, they can see the greatness of God and His faithfulness.