While I know this sounds a bit contradictory to some of my earlier blogs; lately I the have been having a serious mind battle. The enemy seems to be working on many things that he knows hurts my heart, tortures and confuses my mind and even angers me at times. It feels like he's gnawing away at me by bringing up things about my having low self-esteem, to being upset about not seeing my step children to struggling with knowing what I heard from God. Things that I've dealt with before, but now seem to be resurfacing. I guess he's just busy at his job; I mean God has done some wonderful things to the hearts and minds of my family members and he's none too pleased about it. So he has to do what he can to attempt stop the forward Godly motion.
For a couple of weeks now I've been feeling a bit down on myself. Feeling a little insecure about the way I look and my abilities, having a hard time stepping out into all that God has called me to and feeling like I'm not handling some of life's issues as I should. Now I realize that some of this is probably superficial and I need to just get over it, and with prayer I will, but sometimes things float through your mind and make it harder to let it go. I know the spiritual gifts that He has blessed me with, but often times feel so incapable of walking in them. I don't believe in myself, which if I'm being totally honest, would truly mean that I'm not trusting in Him enough. If He said it, then it is…so what right do I have to not believe?
Sometimes I have a very difficult time when people ask me how my step son is doing. I struggle with a few different emotions that I know are not okay to just blurt out; so instead I say that he's hanging in there with some good and bad days and I know God is holding him. It would seem that some think that because he is not of my flesh that I can't possibly feel the pain that his father and mother feel. For a good while I would try to argue with them; telling them why I do or how I love the twins just as much as I do the three that I gave birth to. I was blessed to help raise them, being a part of their life since birth. That's not something you can just let go of or turn your back on, but God knows my heart and I'm learning to allow that to be enough.
Next comes in the guilt for even feeling these horrible things; self condemnation is something I really struggle with. I'm working on it and with prayer I am getting better. I have this guilt because I know I have much to be thankful for. He didn't have to bless me with the gifts that He did, but He did because He loves me and has a purpose for me. He blessed me with being a part of the twin's life…and oh how they have blessed me! I can't even begin to thank Him enough for that!!
I am learning that while I may not like all that is going on around me or even within me; God is in control and He really does have a purpose and plan for everything that is going on. And while I have some bad days, I'm coming to a better place with it all. I can rejoice in knowing that through it all and in the end, as a child of God, everything will be ok. He's teaching me that while I may not always be happy, I still have His joy. Something that only He can give me and no one else can ever take away…not even my own mind when it goes on its tangents.
Something else I am also learning is that when I take the focus off of myself and onto others the battle is lifted. He heals me through helping and praying for others and the spells of hurt and confusion become shorter and shorter. God really has blessed, cared for and carried me through so much in my life…He deserves better than for me to wallow in self pity.
Galatians 5:22-23 (NLT) 22 But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!
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