I have just finished an online bible study with a group called Proverbs 31 Ministries. The book we used was called What Happens When Women Say Yes to God and I am honestly sad that it's over. I am proud of myself for sticking to, finishing and truly putting effort into the readings and studies of this session and can say, that I have been truly blessed as a result. It was truly eye opening for me and has really helped me to see some of my potential for Christ. Through this book I have learned just how important my obedience is to God and how it and I can be used to further His kingdom.
This study has taught me how being obedient, even with the little things in life, can actually have a huge impact in God's work through me. When God presents me with an opportunity to say yes and I am obedient, I'm blessed and often times He blesses someone else too. I may be able to see that blessing and at times it may go beyond what I can see, but I know in my heart that if God is asking me to do it...then it is good.
I've recently realized that one of the things God is calling me to say yes to, is to cut my hair. Now this may seem silly and small to many, and to an extent I can understand. However, for a very large part of my life I have felt that my hair has almost defined who I am. It's in a sense been my security blanket...and when I think about it, it makes me feel vain and pathetic. Because of my past low self esteem I've kind of felt like it has been what drew people to me. Where ever I go people would comment on my hair and without that what or who am I. Wow...sounds even more vain after it's been typed out.
The truth of the matter is for much of my life, out of fear and lack of believing in myself, I have hide behind what I thought was one of the only nice or good things people saw in me. Now, I'm being faced with the time to cut it and I'm actually scared of loosing who I am. A friend said to me "...this is God's way of telling you to rely on Him for everything." It's not about what I think other people see me as or me trying to be what I think the world wants me to be, but instead who and what I am in Christ. She also told me, that if is has this much of a hold on me then it is certainly not of God. ( I didn't like that part so much!)
So yesterday afternoon I'm sitting here on my couch and I'm actually crying about this decision; or obedience to God; and I get a phone call from my oldest daughter. She's getting ready to go to softball practice and she's crying because she has had a bad day. She's having trouble with someone at school and she equates it to her not being a good person. She's trying to be nice to everyone and tying to change who she is to please and make them happy. I find myself telling her if she lives her life trying to be what she thinks other people want her to be she will not only be miserable, but she will find herself further and further away from God. I explain to her It's not about trying to be what we think we should be, but instead what our Heavenly Father has created us to be.
That's when I truly felt foolish for crying over my hair. I'm trying to teach my daughter not to conform to the world and what others see and want her to be and yet, there I sat doing the same thing. I won't lie to you and say that I'm totally ok with this, but I'm trusting God and wanting more than anything to be obedient to Him in everything I do. I'm realizing that over the last year and a half God has been slowly changing me, from the inside out. He has been transforming my heart and mind to be Christ like; to think, act and speak more and more like He is the head of my life and my true hearts desire is to please Him.
So with cutting my hair, this is another step to turning myself completely over to God and showing Him that I want to be what He wants me to be and not what I think I should be or what everyone else thinks I should be. That I'm not defined by who I think I am, but instead by who He has created me to be. I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon and I plan to get about ten inches cut off and donate it to Locks of Love. I'm praying that God continues to bless me with the strength and courage to stand on my faith in Him and to say yes, no matter what it is that He requires of me!
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