Understanding

Last night I was talking with my son, Keondre, and he was very excited to tell me about something he learned in church on Sunday, needles to say I too was very excited to hear what he had to say. He said, I learned that God can just touch you with his finger and you will be healed...as he looked at the counter and pressed his little finger to it. My heart went from excited to heartache because I knew what was coming next. In my head I'm telling myself to keep your composer Terra and asking God to please give me the right words to say to my baby. Then he looked up at me and asked...why doesn't God do that for my brother?!?

What I want to say is; I really don't know baby, because I'm almost just as confused as you are as to why all this is happening! I know that I can't do that so I take a deep breathe and begin to try and explain as best I know how. I tell my son that God sees everything from way before we were born to long after we are gone and He has a plan for all of us. That God loves him better than anyone else ever could, even mommy, and He would never do anything that would not be best for him. I told him that God loves his little brother so very much and that even while he can't totally see it with his own eyes that God is taking care of him; that just because he hasn't healed him doesn't mean that He doesn't love him. I said to him that God is perfect and His ways are perfect, but it's ok that we don't understand. We just have to ask God to comfort us and to help us trust Him even when we think it is all unfair and when it hurts really badly.

I knew he was listening and heard much of what I said, but I saw tears well up in the corners of his eyes as he tried to fight them back. Later when we said our prayers he asked God to help him with his sadness over his brother, but still to heal his brother so that he can play and go to school and not have to use his wheelchair. This brought mixed feelings; part of me was happy to see that he understood that God can help him with how he feels about all of this, but still so very hurt and sad that I can't take all this away from him and especially from my little buddy Richard.

I'm going to be perfectly honest and say that I hate that my step son has to endure what no human should ever have to let alone a child and that some days, I as an adult, really don't understand. I know I have to trust God, but some days that seems so very hard to do especially with the way some things are being handled. At one time I was such a big part in certain people's lives and now I seem to be an outcast. My children have taken notice to this but, I do my best to stay positive for them and tell them that God is in control. Deep down, I know this is true, but sometimes it hurts more than I could ever put into words.

My daily prayer is that God will comfort all of us, help us to understand but, most importantly to trust Him. 

Proverbs 2:6 (NKJV) ⁶ For the Lord gives wisdom; From His mouth come knowledge and understanding;