Proverbs 16:18 (NLT) 18 Pride goes before destruction, and haughtiness before a fall.
Pride can seriously be an ugly thing...it can make us do things we wouldn't normally do, say things we know we shouldn't and keep us set in our own stubborn ways. Pride can cause us to sin with our mouths, our hearts and our actions. We can become so prideful and think we need no help, not even the help of the Lord. Now we would never just come right out and say that, but our actions say it loud and clear. We can come to a certain point in our lives over and over again because we are too caught up in believing that we know best to seek God's guidance. We think too much of our plan and won't hear anything anyone has to say that would go against what we have set in our ways to do; causing us to think too highly of ourselves.
Pride can make us say things that we shouldn't, out of anger or even in spite because we refuse to see our own errors and have become too accustomed to our old ways. There are times that call for an apology on our behalf, but we are too stubborn to allow the words “I’m sorry” to pass our lips. Instead we would rather argue or keep silent till it blows over, but will be furious if on the other end and the apology is owed to us. Too often we repeat the same cycle over and over again because of pride and we are either pushing people away, hurting them or just destroying relationships altogether.
Romans 12:3 (NLT) 3 Because of the privilege and authority God has given me, I give each of you this warning: Don’t think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us.
God has been revealing some things to me about myself and this is painful to admit, but I have to be honest with myself if I am truly going to allow Him to change and use me. For a very long time I thought I was one of the most humble people I knew...but, truth is I am also a very prideful and stubborn person. I have a hard time admitting when I'm wrong and sometimes even to say that I am sorry. It's hard for me to ask for help, so my actions show that I think I can "fix" it all myself. Sometimes I feel like I'm a good person because I haven't done this or that and others have or because "I" have worked so hard at keeping my marriage together and opening my heart to people that most wouldn't have even thought to.
The truth of the matter is; too much pride in oneself is a sin…it's one of my sins. I didn't do anything in my life in or through myself; God held together and restored my marriage. God healed my heart towards those people and caused me to forgive and love beyond anything that I could have ever of done by myself. He is the one who kept me from some sins that I see others do, while at the same time He kept them from sins that I have done. I am no better or worse than anyone else…my sins stink just like they all do!!
I have also realized to some extent; at times it's almost as a defense mechanism, because for as long as I can remember I truly feel like I didn't/don't amount to much. I don't have any special talents, never really been good at anything specific and don't think I'm very intelligent. Basically, I have spent much of my life attempting to be like other people because I didn't see much in myself. Now, I'm certainly not making excuses for my behavior…I'm just realizing that because of this I'm afraid to admit when I'm wrong or need to change because I don't want others to see me for what I see in me. I don't want to admit to wrong when all I see in myself is wrong.
Proverbs 11:2 (NLT) 2 Pride leads to disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.
My husband and children suffer from my pride; I have a hard time saying sorry, I can't talk about how I feel and I often bottle things up and walk around all woe is me. Coming to this realization is very painful…for many reasons. I hate to think that the thought of me believing, even for one moment, that I am better than anyone else. I hate that I can't accept when I am wrong and that I have a hard time apologizing…I hate that my husband and children suffer because I shut down for fear of them thinking that I am not a good wife or mother. I want to say that this is not really what my heart feels or wants for myself…but, can I really say that when this is how I have acted for so long???
He loved me enough to open my eyes to this so I have two choices…I can either change it or ignore it. This is going to be a very hard, painful and long road, but I am determined to allow God to change me. I will pray daily that He purges my heart and transforms my mind. I need to do this; first for God, then my family and myself and also for all those that He blesses me to cross paths with. My prayer is that He will forgive me as well as any of those that I may have hurt or offended; that He will continue to open my eyes to my wrongs and help me to change them. I truly want to be all that He has called me to be not only for myself but, to prayerfully be a blessing to someone else!
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